I guess this doesn't actually count as fan fiction...

I guess this doesn't actually count as fan fiction...

Postby Hamadyne » Sat Nov 23, 2013 6:38 am

By request of some (z651, this is your fault) inquisitive fans over in the IRC, I was asked to hand over some smut. This is the best I can get in like, 20 minutes.

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS NOT INDICATIVE OF THE FINAL PRODUCT. WAS WRITTEN IN A DARK CABIN, UNDER THE LIGHT OF A DIM LIGHTBULB. I PROMISE NOTHING.

----------------------

It’s a sunny day in winter, and Jeanne and I are enjoying our weekend by slacking off and doing nothing. Our latest round of testing is all done, and we’ve had our homework done for some time now.

Seriously, this is the life. If I ever meet the inventor of slacking, I’d ask for his autograph.

“Hey, Erik? What’s your favorite dessert?”

The question is asked out of the blue, like a pop-up window or a slap to the face.

“Well, I’m not too sure. The school has a lot of cookies I like, and the cafés around town have a lot of good cakes...”
“Yeah, cookies have that portability around them, but cakes have a richness that forces you to sit town and really enjoy it. You know?”
“Huh, yeah. I guess you’re right.”

Suddenly, Jeanne’s eyes light up.

Oh no.

I’ve seen that look before. Whenever she gets an idea in her head, her whole face perks up like a lightbulb, her body becoming charged with the idea; these ideas have ranged from simple tests on her computer to the utterly bizarre. That one afternoon last week...

“Hey...let’s bake a cake!”
Huh, not as chaotic as the last idea she had. Harmless enough, I suppose.
“All right, let’s go, then.”
Jeanne eagerly claps her hands together.
“Yay, let’s get ingredients!”

The two of us get our supplies in town, including some exotic stuff I’ve never even heard of. What the heck is agave nectar? Do we need real cane sugar? Free-range eggs? Orange zest? Well, she’s the boss in this regard.

My attempts at cooking have been...not good. I still kick myself whenever I think about the time I tried to make some toast. Not fun. Regardless of my confusion, we manage to head back and start cooking in the kitchen down in the basement. There’s some baking supplies in some of the cupboards, free for students to use, provided they have the key to the cupboard. Jeanne picks it up from the front desk of the dorms, and we head downstairs.

“Okay, let’s get started~!”
Jeanne suddenly produces an apron out of nowhere, expertly tying it behind her back. ‘Kiss the Cook’ is printed in a large, obnoxious font on the front.
“You, uh, cook often?”
“Yup! The school food is..questionable at times. So, when I don’t want any of that, I cook!”
Wow, at least she knows what to do in the kitchen, then. Jeanne starts preparing various ingredients, before she stops and turns to me.

“Ah, shoot! Erik, could you go back to my room and get a set of measuring cups? They should be in my closet.”

She hands me her room key, and I gladly oblige her request. I find the cups easily enough, and I head back downstairs.

“Hey, I’m ba-”
One of Jeanne’s stockings is tossed into my face.
“O-oh, I’m sorry!”
“It’s okay; I have yo-”
Suddenly, I notice that Jeanne’s clothes are strewn around the floor. The only thing she’s wearing is her apron.
“Uh..umm...”
“Aww, are you blushing? Take a seat; I’ll take those cups from you.”

Jeanne saunters over to my confused self, plucking the measuring cups out of my hands. She winks.

With nothing to do (and with a growing need to be in my room, alone right now), I take a seat. In the meantime, Jeanne expertly mixes ingredients and pours all of them into a cake pan.

“All done~”
Jeanne slides the cake into the oven to bake, then turns to me.
“Well, Erik, there’s some batter left. You want to finish it with me?”

What is this I’m feeling? What’s going on? Jeanne is being...abnormally forward today. She walks closer to me, sitting on my lap.

“Uh, J-Jeanne? You okay?”

“Huh? Of course I am, Erik. You know, I’ve always wanted to try this. Boys go crazy for this over in Japan, apparently. Is it...making you crazy, Erik?”

Well, this is interesting. My friend is currently naked save for an apron. This is an odd da-

“Yo! I smelled something good, so I came--”

Lena pops her head into the room, nose sniffing at the cake in the oven. She turns to look at Jeanne, then at me, then back at Jeanne.

“Well. As I was saying, I smelled something cooking. What is it?”

“Oh, it’s a cake,” Jeanne says, “I just whipped up one. Want a piece when it’s done?”

“Ah cool. Sure. Is it almost done?”
“Oh, give it another 25 minutes or so. Feel free to wait here if you like!”

“Sure, that’s fine.”

What? I have no idea how to feel here now. Oh God. My brain’s going haywire. What do I do?

“Erik, I don’t really care. Just do it.”

Did she...read my mind? Well, maybe she’s right. I move in to kiss Jeanne, when all of a sudden...

“Hey.”

Annaliese quietly comes in, a cup of instant ramen in hand.

“Gonna make something.”

As Annaliese starts up the microwave, Jeanne leans in to complete the kiss we had started. Inexplicably, no one in the room pays any heed. We quickly speed up, Jeanne letting out the cutest moans. Suddenly, she gets up, grabbing the bowl of cake batter.

“Erik, let’s share!”

She dips one of the stirring spoons into the bowl, leaving a generous amount of batter dripping from the utensil. Gingerly, she takes a lick, the white mass disappearing around her tongue and into her mouth.

“Ooh," she squeals, "it’s good. Want to try it, Erik?”

God, I can’t turn that down. I take a lick as well. It’s surprisingly sweet, like if sunlight and silk made a flavor baby together.

“Oh, wow, this isn’t half bad,” Lena says, taking a lick alongside me, “What’s in this?”

“Oh, just some cane sugar, agave nectar, vanilla, and some cinnamon.”

“Not bad,” says Annaliese, suddenly joining in as well, “Sweet.”

All at once, we lap up the rest of the batter; Jeanne quickly scoops up another huge dollop. All of us dive for it, licking as much as we can. Even after the batter is gone, we continue to lick the spoon, our tongues intertwining. Eventually, I just go for Jeanne, our lips interlocking as the rest of the girls follow suit, everyone shedding their clothes as we all start intensifying our licking and kissing, a mass of flesh slowly intertwining until we lose all inhibitions, it’s all a blur as our-

*BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP*

My eyes force themselves open as I sit upright, my hand instinctively shutting off the alarm.

That was...a dream?

No.

No.

FFFFFFF-

------------------

“So, care to explain why Mr. Wilhelm was taken to the ward this morning?”

“He was going off on some cake related fantasy he had. Seems severe, sir.”

“Right. Just let him rest, I suppose.”
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Re: I guess this doesn't actually count as fan fiction...

Postby whiic » Sat Nov 23, 2013 7:07 pm

FFFFFFFFFFF indeed.

Cruel alarm clock Erik has.
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Re: I guess this doesn't actually count as fan fiction...

Postby Waytfm » Sat Nov 23, 2013 9:58 pm

Reported for not being fanfiction.
Over the wintry
forest, winds howl in rage
with no leaves to blow.
-Soseki

My Fanfics:
Absolut Schöne Will be updated (fairly) regularly(Lies)
Broken Glass Currently on Hiatus.
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Re: I guess this doesn't actually count as fan fiction...

Postby Justaguy » Sun Nov 24, 2013 3:18 am

Waytfm wrote:Reported for not being fanfiction.

What is it, exactly? It's fanfiction, written by an author, does that mean it's just fiction?
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Re: I guess this doesn't actually count as fan fiction...

Postby Likhos » Mon Nov 25, 2013 9:24 am

the last three lines finished me. :)
poor, poor Erik.
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Re: I guess this doesn't actually count as fan fiction...

Postby sky » Thu Dec 26, 2013 2:00 pm

Well, that escalated quickly.
"I'm twice the man Erik is." - Lena Forst
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Re: I guess this doesn't actually count as fan fiction...

Postby Mr Immortal » Sun Dec 29, 2013 12:23 am

From this, I think it is quite clear what plagues Erik's mind; he's a right randy bugger.
"Kindeys. I've got new kidneys! I don't like the colour."
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